NOTE: If you haven’t read Graywolfe359’s Gandalf post, go do it! Even though I’m a Hillary supporter and disagree with his point, it’s freakin’ awesome and hysterical. I wrote most of this rebuttal back when he posted his original piece, but never had a chance to finish and post it. Now that he’s back in the rec list, here it goes…
Can we take a little teasing?
I’ve been with Dolores Umbridge ever since her first day at Hogwarts, when everyone else wrote her off as a crank and a joke. She’s too loud and opinionated and unattractive to gain a following, insisted The Daily Prophet from inside its mainstream media bubble.
But Prof. Umbridge proved them all wrong. She’s become a formidable challenge to “inevitable” establishment pick Dumbledore, who seems to think we all should just line up behind him for headmaster because he’s been around forever.
Before you cast your vote for headmaster, take a hard look at the long, questionable legacy of Albus Dumbledore. He voted give the Ministry of Magic the authority to send Dementors into Hogwarts, even if he was ultimately against the way they were used. He’s a Johnny-Come-Lately to the cause of full werewolf equality, acquiescing to the bigoted laws that got his dear “friend” Professor Lupin fired. He even nominated the likes of Professor Snape to serve as a head of house!
And what has he ever done about an out-of-control financial industry completely run by goblins?
Umbridge never once gave a speech at Gringotts. She is the one, true, untarnished voice for liberalism magic.
If you disagree, you’re just a stooge and a sellout. Even John Lewis Prof. McGonagall and Paul Krugman Molly Weasley are now the enemy if they insist on standing by Dumbledore. Legitimate, intelligent, reasonable disagreement cannot exist on this issue! YOU EITHER AGREE WITH ME OR YOU’RE A TOTAL MORON/OUTRIGHT EVIL.
Okay, sure, Dumbledore has been at the very heart of the fight since the Dark Lord Voldemort first rode to power in the Death Eater wave of 1994, serving among our most visible advocates and warriors. And yes, he’s withstood the most evil and vile of magic thrown at him with unequalled resilience and poise. And there is no question that Dumbledore has a depth and diversity of experience that pretty no one has ever brought to White House Headmaster’s Office before. Who cares about any of that if my first-choice candidate doesn’t win?
Unwavering principles! Absolutely purity! No compromise! That’s what we need right now. And no, it doesn’t sound at all like the Death Eaters when we say it, because our principles are the correct ones, duh.
A few caveats, disclaimers, and preemptive responses:
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Sanders is absolutely nothing like Umbridge, just as Clinton is nothing like Saruman. That’s not the point of this satire.
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The point is NOT to criticize Sanders himself but to spoof a particular style of argument made by some of his supporters.
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I’ll happily vote for Sanders if he somehow pulls out the nomination.
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I’m thrilled to see GrayWolfe359 back!
